And then I remember the wise words of Ajahn Chah and how he so artfully describes what I'd been up to:
We human beings are constantly in combat, at war to escape the fact of being so limited, limited by so many circumstances we cannot control. But instead of escaping, we continue to create suffering, waging war with good, waging war with evil, waging war with what is too small, waging war with what is too big, waging war with what is too short or too long, or right or wrong, courageously carrying on the battle.Such a telling image: a self-appointed guardian of the universe doggedly wielding every weapon in the arsenal against nothing at all but the phantoms of his own dukkha.
When my kids were in grade school, they had periods during the school day when they had DEAR time: drop everything and read.
I'm going to go with a bigger version: drop everything and live.